I’ve been journaling since I was about 9 years old. Often, when I read through them, it’s as if they are a ghost of myself, offering wisdom into my future that I was unaware would speak to me some time later. This one stood out to me last week as I was looking for something from the vault to post. So here you go. It’s raw and unedited, punctuation and all:
Journal Entry from Winter 2003
We pray that the Lord would teach us to trust, but we don’t consider or weigh the consequences of that prayer. To trust God is to blindly let go, lean back and cast my weight to him; leaning but not necessarily falling–because to trust is to know that he is there to catch me–to not let me fall, not unreasonably anyway. And by that I mean that he may let us fall sometimes, so we may learn the other lesson–the fruits of our prayers…that we might surrender control. For we prayer for strength, but do we pray that with the admission that to identify and know strength is to be all too acquainted with weakness?
We cannot recognize the virtues that we pray for, unless we have experienced quite the opposite. But our prayers are not uttered so foolishly, “Lord, make me wise, but first show me just how ignorant I am. Lord, teach me to trust you, but first strip my life of all that makes me feel secure. . . . No, our prayers are often so one-sides that when the Lord answers by sending us through trials that take us through the darkest of days, we can’t see Him for our own ideas and ideals about the means to which he would accomplish those ends keep us from seeing his methods–his holy methods. He refines us in the fire and transforms us into His image, answering our prayers.